Remberance
by Onigami Nanashi
Summary: PG13 becuase all y'all are squirmy about slash. Remus grieves for Sirius and we continue from there.
1. The Aftermath

Author's Notes: SLASH!!! You have been warned. Don't complain to me that you don't like slash, because, as noted above you have been warned. I'm too lazy to write all these fics out that are the flashbacks, but I could combine them all into a flashback fic. So here you are. Things enclosed in { } are song lyrics. Disclaimer: Poor student doesn't own anybody as much as she would like to (at least in the case of Sirius/Remus). Heh. The song is by Meatloaf. Don't own him either. Don't sue, I have nothing of interest for you.  
  
{You cant' run away forever But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start You want to shut out the night You want to shut down the sun You want to shut away the pieces of a broken heart}  
  
After seeing Harry home with the Dursleys, Remus Lupin felt all self restraint leave him and he wandered out the door of the Order of the Phoenix headquarters ignoring all sympathetic looks from the other members of the Order. He wandered out the door and around the streets of London not noticing where he was, and truth be told, not really caring. There were doubtless many in the beginnings of that night who shied to the other side of the street to keep away from the crazy homeless man. 'Of course,' Remus thought as conscious thought coalesced, 'homeless really isn't too far off.' With that grief began to intrude, and all thought fled. A broken heart wandered for an hour, a night, an eternity before reality intruded. Conscious thought returned and Lupin felt himself in a heavily vandalized phone booth. Something deep in his mind told him to run, but Lupin nimbly took the receiver off the hook, dialed 6-2-4-4-2 and waited for voice to tell him what to do. "Welcome to the Ministry of Magic. Please state your name and business." "Remus Lupin. I'm here to...here to..." A small card slid into his hand, and the phone booth began to descend. To Remus it had seemed as of there was always something new to look at in the Ministry lobby, but this time if there had been, it flew into the recesses of his mind and hid there, trembling at the amount of grief that one man could hold. All going ons in the lobby disregarded, Lupin slowly made his way to the hallway. He had traveled this way once before, but before there had been a grimness, the grimness that accompanies a rescue mission. Before there had been somebody to rescue. Now there exists After. The hallway in the Before had always been moving, changing. And still perhaps the hall moved, but the door never changed places, waiting for someone perhaps.  
~*~ A/N (again): The flashbacks that follow are in no particular order, though in the author's notes I will include the year. Please review, and make me happy. ^_^ 


	2. Remember

Author's Notes: Don't own them, borrow them once in a while for my own personal enjoyment. SLASH. Don't get mad because I warned you. Fifth year.  
  
Fat snowflakes fell to rest amoung many others of their kind and Remus Lupin sat in a window seat in the boy's dormitory for fifth years. He turned his attention of the door as James Potter burst in, dumping his books on his bed at the same time trying to put on his jacket. Remus snickered as the result of that ended with James stuck in his jacket, a book in each hand.  
James turned and demanded, "Oh you think it's funny, do you?" Remus could only watch James try to figure a way out. "Fine. Help me out and come outside with us. We're gonna play in the snow before Petie has to go spend Christmas with his mama."  
"Alright then." Raising his wand, he commanded "Accio books." The books, being stuck in James' sleeves, dragged the Quiditch seeker across the floor, eventually freeing themselves from the confines of his jacket. James spluttered and followed Remus out of the dorms.  
There was fun to be had for all, and the day brightened even more when Remus spotted Sirius Black venture out, warily looking for James and any flying snowballs. While the dark haired boy was watching for James and any flying snowballs from said boy, Remus quickly formed a snowball and hurled it at Sirius. The mass caught him squarely in the back and Remus laughed at the shock on Sirius' face and the thumbs up from James who dropped another snowball on the top of Sirius' head from his vantage point in a tree. Upon deciding that James required too much work to exact any revenge, Sirius tackled Remus and the both of them ended up in a deep drift that swallowed the two completely.  
Up in the tree, James pocketed his wand and kept his grip on Peter, who was squirming to get down to his two friends.  
"Just a wait a while. They're not gonna die."  
"Why?"  
"Trust me."  
In the snow bank, Remus tried to recapture the breath that was knocked from his lungs when they landed and found a pair of dark eyes staring at him. Remus quirked a smile and found himself being kissed by the owner of those eyes. Apparently his lack of reaction deterred Sirius and he pulled away looking embarrassed. Remus bit his lower lip and swore he could still taste Sirius.  
"I'm sorry." Sirius muttered very fast and began to extract himself from the snowbank.  
"No, don't go." Remus was surprised at how sure he sounded. He looked up at the wonder that knelled above him and reached up and kissed him. Time seemed to last forever until the voice of James filtered through the snow.  
"Oi. Break it up or whatever you're doing. We're coming through."  
'We're' turned out to be James and Peter. Sirius recovered first and stood, reaching a hand down to Remus, who took it and pulled himself to his feet. When he was balanced, Sirius squeezed his hand for a fraction of a second then let go, and licked the snow from his lips, tasting Sugar Quills. Remus let a smile grace his features and tried not to blush when James caught his eye.  
James caught Sirius' eye as well and grinned, winking at him while Peter tried to get the lot back to the castle so he could leave.  
It would be the best Christmas Remus could remember. 


	3. Lies

A/N: Yay! Another chapter in this series of short stories. Um.. angst, slight yaoi... that's about it that you need to know about. It's really short, like all of the other chapters. ^_^  
~*~  
  
There was nowhere that he could go that he didn't think of Sirius. Even if he could find some sanctuary that didn't remind him, there were people talking about Lily and James and the one who betrayed them. Betrayed him. His heart and everything that he gave. Remus stared into a glass of whiskey, trying not to hear the conversations that went on around him. There was nowhere else to go, the home that they shared held no comfort, Hogwarts the same. Lily and James were gone and Peter was dead as well. The whiskey held no answers, so Remus chocked it down and gestured for another. That gone, he lurched out of his seat and set off down the street, avoiding all contact with others. 'Siruis, you wouldn't betray James and Lily,' he thought desperately, like a drowning man clinging to a life preserver, 'especially not with Harry at stake. And kill Peter, betray my heart. That's not you.' He found himself at the door to the little house that he shared with Sirius and reluctantly entered. There was a note on the table that was more of a letter than a note, that hadn't been there when Remus left. He broke the wax seal and immediately recognized the writing. It was Dumbledore's. He read, eyes skimming at first, then starting again, and reading more thoroughly.  
  
Remus, it's Sirius. Dumbledore is writing this for me, as I am in Azkaban. Please believe me in this, that I had everything to do with Lily and James, and that it's my fault that this happened, but I have nothing to do with Voldemort. You know my family and that I hated everything to do with the Dark Arts and that I would do anything to oppose them. Dumbledore told me that Harry lived, and that he's gone to Lily's sister. Please tell him one day who I am, and that I am the one who killed his parents, but I tried everything at the end to stop it. He will hate me for that and I can say that I don't blame him. I hate myself for that, but hope that I will be able to explain everything to you one day, but today is not the time, as I am not entirely positive what happened, though I have a very good idea. Remus, be happy and try to forget for now that I was ever in your life because it will cause you grief, and that's the last thing that I want for Moony. When this is over, and everything is put right again, Padfoot will come and win back Moony. But now things won't work, and for that I am eternally sorry. Love Sirius  
  
Tears ran to freedom from Remus' eyes, and there was nothing else that he would do besides wait for Sirius and believe in him until his innocence was officially proven. Though he had said nothing specifically in his letter, Remus had the beginnings of the idea of what had happened that night. He stayed up that night and read and reread the letter until dawn showed a pale face and questions could be answered. Though Dumbledore would neither confirm nor deny what Remus speculated for him, the silent approval that Fawkes gave was answer enough, and the next day, a phoenix feather burned hope into a barren cell in a barren jail.  
~*~  
  
Finis. Read and review and I'll give ya another chapter. 


	4. Back to the Stone

A/N: Another chapter. I was kinda depressed when I wrote this... again really short, but the non-flashback ones will have a tendency to be shorter, I think.  
~*~  
The whispers continued from behind the curtain as they always had, taking no notice of the figure crumpled on the cold, hard, stone ground. Remus lifted red-rimmed eyes toward the raised stone and it's precious, hated curtain. Tears flowed anew as the memory played itself out. Their first kiss... a smile, faint and fading, made itself known to the curtain. Sirius had told him many times that he always tasted like Sugar Quills. More tears. Always more tears.  
Boys don't cry Sirius had said more than once, stifling tears when he had received word that Regulus was dead. That was one of the things that his father had taught him as a child when he was caught crying after a sparrow was killed by a cat. That lesson was unlearned as Sirius wept on Remus' shoulder, for his brother, for years of neglect, for himself. Remus, too, wept, on the floor, no shoulder to cry on.  
"Sirius," he chocked out, "Padfoot. Come back. Please you have no idea how much..." More tears came, obscuring words. And as words failed, memories came again.  
~*~ Another chapter up when I finish this! 


	5. Scars

A/N: Yet another chapter. If ya don't like it, stop reading, and for those who are actually reading, my kudos to you.  
~*~ Sirius Black and Remus Lupin lay on one of the larger branches of an old oak tree within sight of the lake. Using their intertwined fingers, Remus lifted Sirius' arm and looked it over. "What's with all the scars?" Remus asked the other 6th year, letting his arm down. Sirius was a while before answering. "To borrow a phrase from John Rzenik, 'Scars are souvenirs you never lose.'" Remus frowned as he answered, "You mean you...." ".... Did this to myself, yeah." Sirius shifted so he could see Remus. "You don't understand. It was the only thing that I could control. I was in charge of my own fate. Then I could sleep. Even knowing where I was. Now I'm here and not going back, ever, I'm getting my own place summers and I'll never go back." His eyes lit up while he talked about moving out, "straight from King's Cross to my own home." Seeing the look still in Remus' eyes, Sirius turned serious again. "I could control it. How much it hurt, where I wanted it, when to stop, what to use. I could control it and it took my mind off everything else. Everything that I couldn't control. The fact that my parents were closely affiliated with the Dark Arts, that they didn't give a rat's ass about me, that my little brother joined the Dark Wizards, and I'm his older brother. I was supposed to look out for him. But I didn't, and now he's with Lord Voldemort." His voice cracked, "I tried to stop him, tried to stop Regulus from joining, but my parents had been talking to him for too long. He joined summer last year and I couldn't stop him. He's gone now and I won't get my little brother back." Tears threatened to fall as Sirius looked at the scars. Remus' voice was gentle. "Why didn't you talk to me about it? I could have helped." He reached for Sirius' hand. "You know enough about my home life," he smiled bitterly, "I didn't want to scare you away." Remus looked reprovingly at Sirius, "You know that would never happen. I am a werewolf." He said, kissing the scars, "and no more of that. Talk to me or James or anyone." "Don't worry. Already been stopped. Certain werewolves have a calming effect, contrary to popular belief." Despite the tone, Sirius' eyes still shone too brightly, and he was too still. "Stop it love. Come here." Remus pulled Sirius closer so he could look directly into the other's eyes. "You shouldn't joke about things like this." Sirius was silent for a while before answering. "Boys don't cry. It's ok. I'm ok." He smiled, a little pale, and stood up. "Come on, it's getting dark and I'm hungry." He reached out a hand and they walked back to the castle. Only later did Remus remember Sirius' comment 'boys don't cry', and thought of the scars, and a picture of Sirius in swimming trunks with scars on his back. Boys don't cry....  
~*~ 


	6. Christmas

Christmas in Gryffendor Tower. Christmas at Hogwarts. Baubles floating in the Great Hall, no classes and long evenings in the common room. James was there.... And Lupin. James because he said his parents would drive him crazy and Lupin because... he didn't say, but he stayed over the holiday vacation. Christmas Eve and Peter had left for home about a week earlier, leaving the three the only sixth years and three of the very few at Hogwarts. Dinner that night combined all the remaining students and teachers into one of the long tables. James, Remus and Sirius sat together near one of the ends. Dumbledore and a couple of scared looking first years sat in the middle.  
The food was Hogwarts' usual splendor and the sixth years spent the time between courses amusing themselves with the crackers that were piled in front of every plate. Soon the crackers were almost gone and there was a pile of stuff in front of their plates and desserts replacing the main dishes. Reaching over his pile, James piled some of everything onto his plate.  
Remus grimaced and searched through his pile of prizes from the crackers for a Sugar Quill. Sirius grinned as he saw, and managed to get some of the sugaries before James could take and eat it all. From his miniature mound, Sirius held up one of the spun sugar quills and grinned. "Looking for one of these?"  
Remus returned the grin and swiped at it half- heartedly, still full from the dinner. Sirius grinned and forked over the confection. James rolled his eyes (no mean feat with sticky substances up to his eyebrows) at the shamelessness of his friends and continued eating. Remus caught James' eye and grinned motioning at one of the first years who was shaking so badly that she couldn't eat her dessert as she stared at Dumbledore in awe, and the other first year who was staring avidly at Sirius, drool nearly apparent on her face. Remus gestured to the latter first year and then at Sirius and mouthed 'mine'. James' grin grew even wider and he shook his head, finishing his dessert.  
Sirius looked up too late to catch the point of the conversation, and looked at both his friends, a confused look on his face. James and Remus grinned and pointed out the first year who was oggling Sirius. Sirius then stood up to leave, new possessions in hand. As the three walked out the door of the Great Hall, Sirius took Remus' hand, and in that fashion walked back to Gryffendor Tower.  
Sitting at the table in the Great Hall, Dumbledore watched the boys and smiled gently, some of the worry for the future gone from his eyes. 


	7. Sleep

A/N: Manymanymany much thanks to Jemma Blackwell, who has reviewed and made me very happy. This is for ya. Thanks again! ^_^  
  
All around me are familiar faces  
Worn out places- worn out faces  
Bright and early for their daily races  
Going nowhere- going nowhere  
Their tears are filling up their glasses  
No expression- no expression  
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow  
No tomorrow- no tomorrow  
  
Remus Lupin lifted up a tear-streaked face as the memories of his teenage tears at Hogwarts slowed. Those were the memories that he had kept locked for all the time that it was rumored that Sirius had betrayed James and Lily. Those were the best memories that he had. The first years. Those after they left Hogwarts were almost as beloved, but he couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that he should have seen something. Something that would have let him know that Sirius was going to betray them all. And yet, deep in his heart, in the area reserved only for Sirius, Lupin knew that he was wrong. All that time, he knew that the reports were wrong, that Sirius could not have done anything like that. Not to the parents of his godchild.  
Not many outside the original group knew that Harry Potter was Lupin's godchild as well. He and Sirius had been living together when he was born, and the Potters considered it something of a housewarming gift combined with a wedding gift, to make them godparents of Harry. Lupin smiled faintly, and looked again around the room that was Sirius' tomb. There had been no body to recover, so there was no real proof that he was dead. Lupin shook his head, sending fresh tears over the stone floor as Sirius' voice rang in his ears "Denial's not just a river in Egypt." He smiled at the memories of all the times that Sirius had said that to both him and James, the most rememberable when James joined them in their weekly dinner and game session and announced that he would be a father. James, being James, had tried to hide when the two showered him with baby items that he would need.  
Thinking on that, and of memories that he had not thought of in years, Lupin got off the floor and began to walk around the room, remembering where each of the members of the Order, and the children from Hogwarts had fallen. Now he was ready to face the stone platform that had supported the arch that Sirius had fallen through.  
'It was the way that Sirius would have liked it. There was no body, so there would always be the few who didn't quite believe that he was dead.' Lupin thought as he climbed onto the raised platform. 'Of course, I don't thing that he would have wanted me to be the one who wondered, and in so much pain, but there you are.' With that thought, Lupin lay down where he had last seen his lover and sobbed until he thought he could cry no more, and fell into a dreamless sleep. 


	8. Regulus

"All right! Practice with your tables." Professor Flitwick squeaked standing on his desk to watch the room. James grinned and almost lazily Vanished the mouse in a box for that very purpose. Sirius, then Remus followed suit, and joined James who was watching Peter try to do the same. Soon the three were so deeply engrossed in a discussion about the latest Quidditch game they didn't notice Professor McGonagall slip into the room and talk to Flitwick.  
"Sirius Black," McGonagall called, "A word in the hall, please." Sirius glanced back at his table as he left. To their knowledge he hadn't done anything wrong lately.  
Remus shrugged as Sirius turned back around and stared as the latter followed McGonagall out. Those in the classroom could only hear a shocked "No!" a half a minute later, then low murmurings and McGonagall edged back into the room beckoning for Remus. He got up and followed the path that Sirius had traveled not five minutes ago. McGonagall gestured for him to continue into the hall, though she stayed in the classroom. He hesitated in the doorway for an instant, then continued into the hall.  
"Hey Sir." Remus whispered, moving towards Sirius. "What happened?"  
Sirius turned haunted eyes to his love. "My brother... Regulus-"his voice failed, and he took a moment to begin again. "My brother is dead."  
Tears did not quite fall as Sirius walked down the corridor a ways and sank to the floor, leaning against the stone wall.  
""Sirius.... I'm sorry." Remus sat down next to Sirius and drew the other near.  
"He was everything in my family that I thought I had." Tears now fell, but Sirius brushed them away angrily and muttered "Boys don't cry."  
"Why not?" Remus asked, grateful for a momentary distraction to get his thoughts together.  
"My father taught me that. Me and Regulus." At the mention of his father, Sirius' voice took on a bitter tone. "Regulus was everything to my father. I might as well have existed for all the care that they spent on me. They worshipped everything that Reg did, but he was my little brother. I should have helped him more, kept him from believing my parents. I couldn't."  
Remus sighed and looked at Sirius. "I never quite know what to say in these situations, but I do know this: if you ever need to talk I'm here, and what your father said isn't true. Boys do cry, over sorrows, over family, over whatever is important enough. Your father cannot control your emotions. Why are you letting him?"  
The boys moved out of the corridor when the bell rang, but Remus knew that Sirius had listened when he woke that night and heard muffled sobs from the common room, and after a quick check saw that Sirius' bed was empty.  
Boys do cry.... 


End file.
